I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
a search helicopter?!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
