btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
