I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
