New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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