my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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