my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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