I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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