I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
