I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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