I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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