Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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