if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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