i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
