Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
