Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
