I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
