Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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