I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
