He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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