3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
