I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
