I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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