Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
