At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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