Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
