shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
