Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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