I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
