Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
