Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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