super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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