I queefed so loud it echoed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
