My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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