I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
