PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
