So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
