I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
