I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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