I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
