Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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