like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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