Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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