Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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