My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
