Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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