I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
