mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
