I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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