Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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