Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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