I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we're making bets on your personal life
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
