You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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